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Ariful Haque Subin

A veteran User Experience Designer Frontend Developer

Based in

Dhaka, Bangladesh

But I’m virtually everywhere

As ArifulHSubin

The Messenger

October 19, 2019 Confession Chester, Linkin Park

It’s 10.30 am – October 19, 2019, my eyes suddenly got all teared up while having breakfast and listening to ‘Pushing me away’ by Linkin Park.

It’s been 2 years and 3 months since Chester passed away. And yes, I know it’s not how anyone usually reacts to the death of their favorite rock-star, I don’t even know if anyone else feels the same way as I do. But I guess that’s how it’s going to be.

Chester was kind of like a hero to me. His songs helped me fight my insecurities, my parents, my teachers and this fucked up society that I am a part of. I know I have forever been a very emotional person. The empathy, the anxiety and the guilt I carry inside me, makes me feel extremely cynical almost all the time since I was a teenager. But these constant waves of negative thoughts were easy to deal with songs like Numb, Pushing me away, The messenger, etc. These songs used to make me feel like I wasn’t the only one carrying this burden.

I don’t know what triggered his suicide, was it Chris Cornell’s death or the unhappy fans or drugs/alcohol, I don’t know. But since the day he died, I have been feeling this guilt of not being a humble fan and not having enough patience with their last few albums. I wish I could just go and tell him that we loved him no matter what, we always did and apologize on behalf of all the fans who dissed ‘One More Light’. But in reality, we can’t do anything about it anymore except living with it.

Nothing else truly matters in the end. I have lost my hero and I don’t think I will ever be able to get over that.

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