It’s 10.30 am – October 19, 2019, I am suddenly feeling very heavy while listening to ‘Pushing me away’ by Linkin Park.

It’s been 2 years and 3 months since Chester passed away. And for some reason, listening to his songs still makes me think about his suicide and makes me feel more alone and sad than I ever felt. Yes, I know it’s not how anyone usually reacts to the death of a rock-star, someone they have never met. And I don’t even know if anyone else feels the same way as I do but honestly can’t help it, it is how it is.

Chester was kind of like a hero to me. His songs helped me fight my insecurities, my parents, my teachers, and this fucked up society that I am a part of. I know I have forever been a very emotional person. The empathy, the anxiety, and the guilt I carry inside me make me feel extremely cynical almost all the time ever since I was a teenager. But these constant waves of negative thoughts were easy to deal with songs like Numb, Pushing me away, The messenger, etc. These songs used to make me feel like I wasn’t the only one carrying this burden.

I don’t know what triggered his suicide, was it Chris Cornell’s death or the unhappy fans or drugs/alcohol, no one knows. But since the day he died, I have been feeling this guilt of not being a humble fan and not having enough patience with their last few albums. I wish I could just go and tell him that we loved him no matter what, we always did and apologize on behalf of all the fans (including me) who dissed ‘One More Light’. But in reality, we can’t do anything about it anymore except living with it.

Nothing else truly matters in the end. I have lost my hero and I don’t think I will ever be able to get over that.