Today’s confession is about a friend, the last one to leave.

Sometimes in life, we meet people who speak our language, reflect our personality, and whom we can’t help but admire. We want to keep them close and be there for them whenever they need a shoulder. We don’t want to see them suffer and don’t want to be the reason for their hurt.

It’s human nature to expect something in return. From this life to the afterlife, all we ever expect is something in return — a reward for our good deeds. While most philosophers advise against expecting anything from anyone, I believe we still subconsciously want something back. It wouldn’t have been a problem if it were a materialistic thing we expected, but it’s mostly always something sentimental or emotional in nature.

This is the moment when reality often strikes. From here, it can go one of two ways. Either the person you considered your soul friend keeps reflecting the love and care you showed them or starts walking the other way. The first scenario is almost like a dream where everything you need is offered without asking for it. The other scenario is brutal and soul-crushing. You feel lost, sad, frustrated, betrayed, and at some point, you get angry at yourself and at that friend who meant so much to you just a few days ago. It starts to feel like the karma police got corrupted and is working against you and everything you thought you deserved.

I think how we deal with such scenarios defines us because it’s part of our human nature to judge. We judge situations, people, and everything that’s happening to us or to the people we care about. So, when your luck runs out and you face the second scenario, you question everything. You form opinions about yourself and the person whose actions have deeply hurt you. You keep probing your brain to make sense of what’s happening, demanding closure, but people who walk away from you hardly ever want to give you that. I don’t know if they ever realize how this unwanted mystery in life will affect you. So, you have nothing but judgments to give out. You either blame yourself for pushing a friend away without knowing what you had done, or you judge that other person, realizing that they never cared as much, was just pretending, or being fake the entire time. But even then, you can’t make yourself believe that because you were so sure what you guys had was genuine… And now you are stuck in limbo.

Right now, I’m the guy who’s stuck in limbo. It has been a month, and I still can’t make anything out of it. So, I guess this entire article is my desperate attempt to make some sense of it. I think I’m extremely emotional and feel things too much, but if you are still reading this blog, then you already have formed that opinion about me, I believe. As an introvert, it’s harder for me to make new friends because I only allow people I genuinely admire to be part of my friend circle.

So when I realize that someone has drifted apart without any specific reason or prior notice. I feel awful because I hardly ever let people in. I imagine all the possible scenarios but never can find the actual reason. I usually stay away from developing emotional attachments because I am scared of losing people I care about, but it happens over and over again. It feels so bad to be pushed away by a close friend that I almost always feel like disappearing for good.

And then here I am, writing about life’s cruel philosophies and what I have realized from all these interactions with people. I valued their presence in my life as like-minded friends. But now it feels like it wasn’t friendship. You don’t do this to a friend, do you?

I wish they had given me closure. But my best friend recently told me that it’s not easy for everyone to provide closure, and most people don’t even want to deal with it. I guess he is right.